What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
Last Updated: 22.06.2025 07:04
And i lived it daily.
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
I had hoped to write a book about this .
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
Why do I want to give up on men?
I have no regrets .
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
He resisted the act ,that day.
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He knew the spot.
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
I was 9 years of age.
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As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
What’s the best way to get over someone you love?
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
I write beautiful poetry .
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Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
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She loved him until the end.
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
Do women like men who have slept with many women?
I think the readers, may guess!
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
They are buried together, in the same grave..
On the 31st of Jan this month .
Put me off passion for life!!
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
Why did i forgive my father ?
Why do flat-Earthers think the Earth is flat?
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
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Was to survive, this bastard.
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
I was very sick at this time too.
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
Would this be the day?
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
I don,t even have a pension.
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
I waited trembling.
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
I was scared of men, in general
But it wasn’t much.
My mum and dad in the seventies!
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
We were not on the streets..
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
Im dying but, im not bitter.
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
I did it because my mum asked me too!
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
I said to her
Comes on , in middle age.
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
Who then, do I blame.?
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
My family never makes their pension either.
I couldn’t, believe it.
I could never make a relationship work though!
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
Ive learnt so much.
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
What did i know ?
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
Im still living with it.
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
It was going to be , some day.
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
So whats the point in blame.
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
When she asked me how she looked .
One cannot live in the past .
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
She was in good health!
We all went to grammer schools
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
He was dying to do it , i knew.
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
And who doesn’t know suffering?
I will be 64.
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
I never cut or harmed myself..
The only rule us 5 kids had .
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
My life is so biszare .
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
So, i spoilt her more .
But ive been too sick for many years..
This is soul school!.
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
I was seconnd youngest,
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
I know ,a lot about trauma.
She married twice! .
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
She wouldn,t have been !
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
But, we were locked up after school.
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
As i do to all so called friends.?
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
(And it was in our own minds.)
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
Where the ultimate outsiders.
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
Especially a lifetime of it.
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
This is how, and why children get BPD.
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
She found it foreign!.
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
All the time i was locked up.
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!